Not Just Another Silly Love Story
by Tape Monkey
Summary: Artemis has known Hermes for 3,000 years and hated him for about 2,999. DISCONTINUED, sorry guys!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N HI GUYSES! New story! Hermes/Artemis because they are cute together. NOT one shot!**

**Disclaimer: Oh yeah, I totally came with the Greek gods, ya know? I'm just ANCIENT! Older than Chiron, I am, talking like Yoda, I am too, older than Yoda, I am sometimes. **

**So here's how this is going to work. It's in third person, sometimes Hermes' view, sometimes Artie's. Sometimes it will switch views randomly… I apologize in advance. **

Chapter 1: Olympian Council

It was the winter solstice meeting, and Hermes was not listening at all. Part of that was probably because of his age (he had taken to appearing the age of sixteen – it's easier to get away with stuff)… but the other part of it was that it was Artemis giving the speech. He kept getting distracted by the way the light played off of her hair, the way her long, slim fingers were playing with her bow as she talked, and (he could feel his cheeks turning red) by the way she had taken the form of an older girl in a… well… _older_ body. _Curse this teenage form_, he thought. No doubt this was where all the thoughts were coming from. He made a mental note to change his form back when he got the chance. He heard a slight cough come from the other side of the room. He looked up quickly and saw that the cougher was Hera, now glaring at him. He smiled at her a little cheekily (yay! teenage form!), but she just turned up her nose at him. _You should listen, _scolded Martha. _Oh, let him swoon a little more, _said George. Hermes decided to listen to Martha and listen to Artemis and not just look at her body. She was giving some sort of speech about hunting monsters.

"In closing, Lord Zeus, I beg you to let my huntresses and me hunt the wild creatures of legend. They would reform over time, and the hunting can only bring benefits. Thank you." She went to sit down. Hermes stood up.

"Lord Zeus, I agree with Artie – er, Lady Artemis. The hunting of these creatures can bring only benefits." Then he sat down, noting Artemis' glare at the use of her nickname.

_Brown-noser_, said Martha. _Flirt_, said George.

"Thank you very much, Hermes, but I'm afraid I must deny Lady Artemis the right to hunt these creatures at this time. Council dismissed." And with that, the lord of the skies disappeared in a flash of lightning.

Artemis stared at the place where Zeus had just disappeared. _At this time? _She had been proposing her idea for centuries now, and he _still _wouldn't say yes. That was why she had chosen to appear at age sixteen rather than age twelve like usual. She had thought that the mature look would help, but it obviously didn't. _Maybe I'll try 20 next year_, she thought. She stood from her seat and left the throne room.

"Hey," said a voice behind her. She turned around. It was Hermes. "I thought you did a fine job with your speech."

"If you had actually been listening instead of gaping at Aphrodite the whole time, then you would have noticed how poor of a job I actually did," she said scathingly. Hermes grinned.

"Nice thought, but it wasn't Aphrodite I was gaping at." Then he winked at her. It took Artemis a moment to work out his words. Then her mouth fell open.

"You little- " Artemis spluttered. "Does the term 'maiden goddess' mean anything to you _at all?" _

"Who said I was talking about _you? _ Goodness, Artie, get your mind out of the gutter. Welcome to Dirty Mind Country, population one." He then gave her a huge fake bow. "See you around, milady." He sauntered off, caduceus in hand, a huge grin on his face.

Artemis watched him go, her mouth open. She had never known a god as impertinent as him… and yet, she didn't want him to go. _Wait… where did that thought come from? That's ridiculous. Of course I don't want him around. He's a jerk and he's rude. _Then other thoughts started popping into her head… the way he cared for his demigod children, even the one that almost destroyed Olympus… the way that he was the only Olympian (besides her) that actually _cared _about mortals… the way the sunlight gleamed on his golden-brown curls… _Stop. Stop. _Artemis knew exactly where this was coming from. Only one person could do this, and that person was…

"Aphrodite! Where _are _you?" Artemis strode down the halls of Aphrodite's wing of Olympus. "Don't think I don't know what you're doing!" She stalked over to a couple embracing each other passionately.

"Okay, Aphrodite. Out with it. What did you do?" Aphrodite pulled away from Ares with a disgusting squelching noise. Artemis wrinkled her nose in revulsion.

"Oh, Artie. I didn't do one thing." She made to turn back to Ares, but Artemis pulled her away.

"Seriously, Aph. We _need _to talk." Aphrodite rolled her eyes, but stood up anyway.

"I don't want _him _here," said Artemis.

"Ares, go away."

"Oh, you're nice," said Ares as he stomped away, pouting.

"Honestly, he can be such a _baby _for the god of war," said Aphrodite. "I only go out with him because he's hot."

"You disgust me," said Artemis.

"Ah, so _you _like boys with a little personality, huh?" said Aphrodite.

"Yes. Wait, no! I'm a _maiden _goddess! To Hades with you!" Artemis stumbled over her words.

"Poor girl. Your first love can always get rather messy."

"Wait – who said anything about love?" protested Artemis.

"Your emotions," said Aphrodite simply.

"But – I can't! I won't."

"I'm afraid you don't have a choice, my dear. All creatures feel love," said Aphrodite sagely.

"Then how do you explain Hitler?"

"He had a wife."

"Hades."

"Persephone."

"That's just lust!"

"That's what you'd like to think."

"Darth Vader?"

"Padme Amidala!"

"Lord Voldemort!" yelled Artemis, getting desperate.

"Quirrell," said Aphrodite simply.

"Seriously, though."

"Himself," said Aphrodite. "All creatures feel love." Artemis shook her head in defeat.

"Me?" she said quietly. "Why me?"

Aphrodite just smiled.

"I'm sure you'll come to terms with it in time," she said. Then she walked off down the corridor, her long red toga drifting behind her, leaving only a very small and very scared sixteen-year-old goddess in her wake.

**A/N Well, that's the first chappie! ** **Hope it exceeded your wildest hopes and dreams! Peanut butter [digital] cookies to everyone who reviews!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N Why hello there readers! Thanks so much for all the nice reviews I got for chapter 1! I actually wrote the majority of this on my iPod Touch, then emailed it to myself, then copied and pasted it into Microsoft Word. It was FUN!**

**Disclaimer: I still own everything… No, I am not on drugs. No, I am not older than the Greek gods are. No, I am not insane. Wait… scratch that last one. **

**Oh, and I don't like thinking of chapter titles (it's HARD!), so from now on, it's just numbers. **

Chapter 2

Aphrodite walked over to the two arguing gods.  
>"Could you stop going at each other for one second? I need to talk to you both." Athena and Poseidon looked up in surprise.<br>"What do you need to talk to _me_ for?" they said in unison. Then they glared at each other. Aphrodite rolled her eyes.  
>"It's about Artemis," she said.<br>"If this isn't worth my time, then I'm leaving," said Poseidon.  
>"Oh, it will be," said Aphrodite. "You see, she's in love with Hermes and just doesn't want to admit it."<br>Athena and Poseidon stared at her.  
>"Isn't she a maiden goddess?" said Poseidon. Athena huffed.<br>"You male creatures can be so-o-o dense sometimes. Just because she foreswore romantic love doesn't mean she can't feel it."  
>"But now to the point," said Aphrodite. "I want you two to work together to get Artemis together with Hermes before the summer solstice. Deal?"<br>"Deal!" said Poseidon and Athena enthusiastically. Little did either of them know that Aphrodite had just cast a minor spell on both of them to make them agree with her. Aphrodite smiled cheekily at the pair of them and strolled away. Ares was waiting for her.  
>"Smooth," he said appreciatively. "But why those two? They hate each other."<p>

"That should change soon enough," said Aphrodite with a mischievous smile that made her look much younger.  
>"I don't get it," said Ares.<br>"Surprise," said Aphrodite coolly. "You see, I'm killing two birds with one stone. If I can get them to work together to make Hermes and Artemis get together, then they (with a little help from yours truly) will get together also. Ta da! Two perfect, adorable couples." Aphrodite thought her plan made perfect sense. But unfortunately, Ares didn't hear anything past the word "killing." Surprised?

Athena and Poseidon stared at each other.  
>"Why did we just agree to do that?" said Poseidon.<br>"I don't know," said Athena, feeling confused, which was quite disturbing to her, seeing as she never feels confused.  
>"You know how Aph gets," said Poseidon nervously. "She'll be really upset if we back out."<br>As much as Athena hated to admit it, Poseidon was right (for once). She told him so and regretted it as his chest puffed out, rather like a blowfish, which seemed rather fitting.  
>"I guess we're in this together, then," said Athena regretfully. Poseidon sighed. <em>Maybe I can work some sense into him while I do it<em>, thought Athena. _Maybe I'll make it through without her killing me_, thought Poseidon. Aphrodite, watching from a distance, smiled. Her 3,000 year old plan was finally underway. _Maybe I'll get Dionysus together with Demeter while I'm at it_, she thought. Then, with a contented sigh, she walked off to see what her favorite hot mortal men were doing today. Maybe she'll stop by that Beauregard boy's candy shop. Or maybe she'll visit that football player from Baltimore – the big black one. Or maybe she'll visit that sweet young Hollister model in California. Or maybe… So many boys, so much time. It was only fair to everyone else that they have their own.

Right?

"Lady Artemis, we have found the scent of the rouge centaur. It came from over the hills."

Artemis looked up at her lieutenant, interrupted from her thoughts.

"Thank you, Thalia. We shall follow the trail immediately." She stood up from the bear fur carpet of her tent.

"If you'll allow me to say so, my lady, I hate that my father won't let us hunt the creatures of legend. **(A/N Let your imagination decide what they really are!) ** It really would do no harm," said Thalia. Artemis looked up into her pale, freckled face and wondered if the girl had really chosen the right path. To choose not to lose a hold over yourself was good, but what if, just _once_, a girl could remain herself even _with _romantic love? She pushed the thoughts away. _I will not let anything distract me from the Hunt, no matter what any goddess of love says. _She pulled out her bow.

"Let us hunt," she said.

**-END CHAPPIE #2!- Hope you liked it. No hermes this chap (sad D':) but he'll be in a ton next chappie. Plus lots of awkward Hartie contact! Yay :D Plus, that's when things start going wrong... mainly in the form of a BIG EVIL MONSTER TRYING TO DESTROY OLYMPUS. Really.**

**I think I'll leave you there for now! **

**PS Sorry about the awkward line spacing :/ It'll be better next chapter!  
><strong>

**Love,**

**Tape Monkey**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N Soooooooo… In the last chapter, I believe I promised you lots of awkward Hartie contact, lots of Hermes (and George and Martha), and a big evil monster trying to destroy Olympus. K… I think I can do that! **

**PS Dear people in cool places like Romania, Malaysia, Hong Kong, Peru, Singapore, the Philippines, Japan, and Italy: Thanks for reading. You are cool. Love, an obnoxious American. **

**Disclaimer: Really? Do I **_**really **_**have to say that I didn't create the Greek gods? Shouldn't that be a given?**

Chapter Three

Hermes was having trouble with his deliveries. Typical. It seemed as though his teenage body (which he STILL didn't have time to change out of) had ADHD as well, because he kept getting distracted by little things like evil monsters mauling innocent half-bloods. And George and Martha weren't helping.

_Hey, can we stop for rats? _said George.

_Don't be rude_, scolded Martha.

_Oh, sorry. We can stop for whatever that funny stuff you gods eat if you want_, said George.

"Ambrosia," said Hermes absent-mindedly.

_Rats are cooler_, said George. Hermes and Martha ignored him.

"All right guys. Our next delivery is… um, wait…"

_You're delivering a new batch of poison to Echidna Inc._, said Martha.

"Really?" said Hermes. "Hades. I _hate _going there. You remember when that Hydra thought you two were its babies?" He grinned at the memory. George and Martha groaned.

The wings on Hermes' Converses started to slow down.

"Aw, man. Converses are out of juice. I'm going to have to land." George and Martha groaned some more.

_But Echidna yells at us when we're late!_ said George. _And I _hate _being yelled at! _ Hermes ignored him (again) and started carefully lowering himself to the ground. Suddenly, the tiny white wings stopped altogether.

"Guys," he said. "Did you happen to grab my faulty shoes again?"

_Oops, _said George and Martha together. Then he started to fall.

Luckily, Hermes was a god, so it's not like he was going to die. Unluckily, he landed in the midst of a large group of girls. Even more unluckily, they were the Huntresses, complete with goddess.

_Oh, rats, _said George. _It's your little crush. _ Hermes turned them into a cell phone and turned them onto vibrate. So there!

"Hermes," said Artemis, her eyes narrowing. "Did you just _crash-land_ into my camp?"

"It was an accident," said Hermes, his face turning red. "Really, it was. George and Martha grabbed the wrong winged shoes again, the ones that falter if I fly too high, so then I crashed, and then…" Hermes trailed off.

"Who are George and Martha?" said Artemis suspiciously.

"Well, they're my snakes. The ones on the caduceus, I mean." _Oh gods, I'm a fail,_ he thought.

"You named the snakes on your caduceus George and Martha?" He just nodded.

"I just need a little time for them to reboot (no pun intended) and then I'll be gone," he said. _There, no problem. I fixed it. _"It's just…"

"What?" said Artemis.

"Can I stay here? I promise it'll only take about 30 minutes." Artemis rolled her eyes.

"Fine. But remember that I bear no responsibility for whatever injuries my hunters give you. Hunters, set up camp." And with that, she walked away from a slightly stunned and lovesick god.

Artemis could not believe that _god's _nerve. Coming _here_, of all places. Did he have no sense at all? And _him _of all people! Argh, _why_ did he have to do those things? Perhaps Aphrodite was taunting her. After two weeks, she _still _hadn't sorted out all of her emotions. _Why does he have to be so cute? _she thought. And then, a second later, _Please kill me. _Would you know that someone was listening? Because at the very moment that she thought that, the tent flap opened. It was Thalia.

"My lady, Lord Hermes requests an appointment."

_Kill me_, she thought. "Let him in," she said. A second later, Hermes walked in and sat down across from her.

"Cold out there," he said. The silence between them solidified like ice.

"Cold in here, too. Do your huntresses even care?"

"No," said Artemis.

"Well, soh-_ree_ if that offended you, _Lady_ Artemis. I don't see why you have to be so touchy all the time." Suddenly, he was lying flat on his back with a silver arrow pointed at his throat.

"Haven't you learned, _Lord _Hermes, to never, _ever _offend me?"

One of the perks of being a god meant that you could never die, so one could ignore the present danger and focus on the little things, like the way that Artemis' silvery eyes glittered with fury, or the way that she (like him) hadn't bothered to change back into a younger body. Suddenly, the tent door opened again.

"Lady Artemis, your presence is requested outside," she said, barely suppressing a smile at Hermes' predicament. Artemis dignifiedly stepped off of Hermes' chest and slung her bow over her shoulder and walked out without a backward glance. Hermes watched her go. Then he noticed Thalia glaring at him.

"Um, hi?" He smiled nervously at the daughter of Zeus, who he'd always been a little afraid of. For the second time in less than five minutes, he was met with another arrow to the throat.

Artemis stepped towards the queen goddess.

"Lady Hera," she said, curtsying respectfully. The goddess looked at her disdainfully.

"Excellent to see you, Artemis," she said, though her voice suggested otherwise. "You have to come back to Olympus right now. There has been an attack.

Artemis' jaw dropped. "A – a _what?_"

"An _attack_, as I just clearly said. Now get that little stalker god of yours and get to Olympus now."

"What, Hermes? He's not my stalker! At least I don't think so. And what do you mean, _attacked_?"

"You'll see when you get there," said Hera ominously. And then she disappeared in a swirl of peacock feathers.

Artemis stood in shock for a second, then dashed towards the tent.

"Thalia, come. And bring that god with you. We have to go to Olympus."

"Yes, my lady." Thalia walked towards Artemis.

"Come, Hermes," said Artemis. He did so without complaint, not wanting another arrow to the throat. Then they transported to Olympus.

At first glimpse, Olympus looked completely normal. Thalia ran over to Percy Jackson and a blonde girl, both holding weapons and looking rather grim.

"Artemis," whispered Hermes, grabbing her arm. And then she saw the problem. Up on the hilltop, near the palace, Zeus, Poseidon, Athena, and Ares were staring at a creature in horror. Artemis realized that she didn't know what the creature was – it was humanoid, but larger than any human _or _god. And then she saw with a shock that the creature didn't have a face.

**A/N Very dramatic ending, huh? Well, that's the evil creature I promised. (I made it up!)**

**Well, have fun with your lives, everyone. See you next chapter. (Figuratively speaking.)**

**Love,**

**Tape Monkey**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4… finally! I was busy being awesome and going to space camp… yup, the legit one in Huntsville, Alabama! It was AWESOME… I learned how to fly a space shuttle! :D**

**I'm gonna do review replies now cuz I keep forgetting to. **

**SamayaK – thanks! I would say "you too," but that would be majorly awkward!**

**bookwormgirl2497 – dude… I HAD NO IDEA ABOUT THE SON OF NEPTUNE SNEAK PEEK SO NOW I'M FREAKING OUT!**

**Kristen159 – Aww, thanks! Your review made me smile :) - you see? I'm doing it again!  
>Chocomadsandirish – now THAT is a great idea! Soooo using it!<strong>

**Alexandriarulzforeva – That's what I'm doing now! (someone offstage – DUUUUUHHH)**

**HermesPotter – Your review (and username) made my week! I was seriously ridiculously happy for about 6 days after I read that! Imma go find your story when I finish writing this chappie! **

**Gypsy1213 – Thanks so much! Gods, I love reviews! :]**

**Nameless person – thanks, thanks, and more thanks!**

**Gypsy1213 – well, hello again! Yeah, I made that monster up :) Do you know how HARD it is to find a monster that Percy didn't fight? I had to do it for my other story and it was IMPOSSIBLE so I decided to make up one for this fic :)**

**GazmRules – Well, TOO BAD, cuz guess what? I FED THE IMPORTANT CHEESE TO MY PET CHINCHILLA LAST CANADA DAY! Ha! **

**Alexandriarulzforeva – Thanks!**

**PHEW that took forever! I think I'll write now. **

Chapter 4

Artemis stared in shock at the creature. What was it? She shook herself out of her daze.

"Hermes! We need to get up there and help them!" She grabbed his hand (not her fault! nearest thing to grab on him!) and started running towards the palace. She got to the top of the hill easily, Hermes right behind her. Then the monster turned towards her and she froze. In the blank face, she saw things that terrified her. She saw memories. She saw Typhon attacking her fellow gods. She saw Orion taking his last breath. She saw things she didn't even remember – her mother, Leto, being threatened by Hera… and even some scenes that were too horrific to describe. The memories seemed to be surrounding her, blocking out everything else. She could feel her legs starting to tremble as the scenes getting worse. A voice spoke in her head.

_I know you_, it said. Artemis collapsed at the last word, the world blacking out.

Hermes caught her as she fell.

"What did you do?" he yelled. He didn't understand why none of the other gods were responding to the creature. They were all staring at it, horrified. Then it looked at him.

_Ah, Hermes,_ said a voice in his head. _So nice to see you again as my equal. But that won't last. Soon the gods will be my slaves and nobody will ever lock me in a jar again!_

"Fear," he said, suddenly understanding.

_Very good, little one, _it said. _Ever since Kronos returned_, _I have been gathering all of my energy to return to physical form. And now Kronos is gone, and I am here, and you, puny god, will _not _be. _

And then the creature's face started to change. Hermes looked closer and almost fell over in shock. The scene was not scary at all. It was of him. He was holding hands with someone – Artemis. As he watched, the couple smiled at each other. The Hermes in the face leaned over and gave Fake-Artemis a hug. She smiled and leaned towards him… and suddenly, he _was _the Hermes in the face, and Artemis was really there, inches away from his face. He could smell her sweet breath as she leaned closer. He instinctively leaned forward… and the ground ripped apart beneath them. Artemis was falling, falling down the gap, away from him. He let out a yell and jumped back. The vision dissolved. He was kneeling on the ground, breathing heavily, Artemis still in his arms.

"Wha- you- you- I- no!" he panted.

The creature laughed. It made Hermes' hair stand on end.

_This was just a warning, god, _it said. And then it disappeared, just like that. The gods started coming back to reality. Artemis gasped and woke up. She looked up into Hermes' terrified face.

"It…" she started. Then she started to sob.  
>"It's okay," he said. "It's gone now." He held her tightly, tears running down both of their faces. "It's gone now."<p>

Artemis knew what she was doing. She also didn't care. There was no place else she would rather be in the world then right here, with Hermes. She could feel him stroking her hair. She knew he was crying too. They both sat there for a good five minutes, holding each other tight, never wanting to let go. When Artemis' tears slowed down a little, she was able to look at the other gods. They had pretty much the same reaction as her. Aphrodite was crying as Ares held her, looking shell-shocked. Athena was sitting with her head in her hands, curled up into a tiny little ball. Zeus was sitting on his throne, looking white-faced and completely terrified. Poseidon was staring at Athena as though he was savoring the fact that she was still there. She pulled away from Hermes and looked into his face. Suddenly, the gravity of what she just did hit her. She jumped away from him like she had just been electrified. _I just cried on the shoulder of a boy_, she thought. _I'm losing myself._ Her sudden movement seemed to wake the other gods up. Zeus sat up straighter and straightened the tie on his pinstriped suit, looking embarrassed. Athena uncurled, looking around in shock. Her eyes met Poseidon's and he looked away quickly. His cheeks turned red like he had no idea what just happened, but it sure was strange. And Hermes… He was still sitting on the floor, looking heartbroken, like a little sad puppy. Artemis looked away quickly. With his curly hair messed up and tear streaks running down his face, he looked so much more… _human_, so unlike his usual prankster, one-dimensional self. He looked real. She shook herself out of her funk and collapsed on her throne, trying to forget the images she just saw. The other gods started migrating to their thrones, trying to make themselves more presentable.

Hermes slowly got up off the ground. She had been so close to him… He started walking towards his throne. Hermes glanced up and saw Artemis looking at him regretfully. He stared right back, and she held his gaze. An unspoken message went between them. _I know what just happened, and so do you. _They both jumped when Zeus called for attention.

He cleared his throat and then spoke three words.

"Fear is back."

**A/N :D I hope you all liked it! And in case you're wondering, the monster is literally** **fear (from Pandora's box) in a physical form. Scary! Okay, that's all! Bye! Next chapter will be a little happier, I promise!**

**Love,**

**Tape Monkey**


	5. Author's Note

A great big HELLO and a Happy Early Halloween to all of my awesome readers.

Please don't freak out! Yes, I know that chapters titled Author's Note are usually cause for extreme alarm because the author is usually abandoning the story or something equally as tragic. However, I assure you that this is nothing of that sort! I simply want to explain to you that YES, I am still writing this story! I have reasons for not updating, I swear I do! It's called an unholy mix between writer's block, too much homework, and a recently-acquired obsession with looking up clips from Disney movies on YouTube. But it's better now… I have successfully beaten the writer's block! My homework is still crazy, but hey, I'm getting a 97% in AP World History, so I think it's worth it! And with the Disney obsession… yeah… :p

So anyway. I'm currently working on the next chapter. If all goes well, I should have it up sometime next week. Key word being should…

"How rude," said Artemis, randomly appearing in the Author's Note because I felt like it.

"I know, right?" said Hermes. "It's like she doesn't love us anymore – WHOA!"

He said the last part as a teenage girl in a Space Camp t-shirt fell from the sky.

"Where am I?" said Tape Monkey.

"You're in the story," said Hermes wisely. "You broke the fourth wall and thus, you were thrown into your totally awesome story, _Not Just Another Silly Love Story._"

"Cool!" said Tape Monkey. "By the way, I'm getting a 97% in AP World History."

"Yeah, you said that in the Author's Note," said Artie.

"I'm also going to the Starkid concert in Silver Springs on the 20th of next month!" said Tape Monkey. "I'm going with fellow Fanfictioners thepinkunicorn and JinxedAgain!"

As Tape Monkey the Cool Author said those names, she accidentally summoned them from the real world and zapped them into the world of Fanfiction.

"Oh great, Tape Monkey," said JinxedAgain (she's the sensible one.) "I don't know what you've done, but it can't be good!"

"AH! I love Joe Walker!" said thepinkunicorn (she's the crazy one).

"FANGIRL!" said Tape Monkey accusatorily.

"And proud," said thepinkunicorn.

"Um, aren't you supposed to be doing an Author's Note?" said JinxedAgain.

"Aren't boyfriends you get in China supposed to be Chinese?" Tape Monkey retorted.

"It's true," said thepinkunicorn. "She has a Chinese boyfriend that's actually not Asian at all." (*cough* ELIAS!)

"Oh, shut up!" said JinxedAgain, getting all embarrassed like she always does.

"You guys are nuts," said Tape Monkey's annoying little sister Emily.

"Why's your sister here, Tapey?" asked thepinkunicorn.

"So I can do THIS!" said Tape Monkey. Then, using her awesome skillz, she turned her annoying little sister into a giant pile of Swedish Fish.

"FISHIES!" yelled Tape Monkey and thepinkunicorn together. Then the leapt on the pile and ate them all while JinxedAgain facepalmed in the background.

**THE END**

Yeah, that was random.

So I'll finish this awesome Author's Note now.

I leave you with this awesome bit of wisdom.

"You've gotta have heart! All you really need is heart… When the odds are sayin' you'll never win, that's when the grin should staaaaart!"

Virtual cookies for anyone who can name this tune. (NOT YOU, thepinkunicorn. I know you know.)

That is all.

Adieu!


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Yes, it's me! I'm back from the dead! I have no excuse for abandoning this story so badly. It's a very very bad thing for an author to do. I blame a mix of Netflix and homework and writer's block for my lengthy hiatus. I also have no reason why I decided to update now. I had basically abandoned this story when a random plot bunny popped into my head and I just had to write it down. So here's the long-awaited Chapter 6. If you don't want to read this story anymore, I understand. Please though, if you must, just unfollow it calmly and don't leave any angry reviews. I already know that I'm a despicable human being!**

**Anyway, enough with my pity party. Here's what I wrote.**

* * *

><p>"My lady?" said a questioning voice from outside the tent.<p>

Artemis sighed heavily. "May I help you?"

Thalia stepped into the tent.

"Still no sign of Fear, my lady," she said. "He seems to have disappeared completely since he first showed up last week."

"Okay," said Artemis.  
>A beat of silence followed.<p>

"My lady-" said Thalia.

"I don't wish to talk any longer," snapped Artemis.

As stubborn as she could be, Thalia knew not to argue and quickly left the tent. She didn't get very far before colliding with a big, solid piece of blond hunk o' burnin Olympian. Literally.

"_Apollo_," huffed Artemis. "First of all, extinguish yourself. Second of all, why are you even here?"

"Just wanted to pop in and check on you, lil sis," he said far too cheerily, ducking into the little tent.

"Apollo, I really don't feel like-"

"Oh, don't be a grump!" he exclaimed. "I just wanted to talk about-"

"Look, I know, okay?" Artemis exploded. "You don't have to tell me. I'm dealing with it myself. I don't _need_ your help, so you might as well just leave!"

"Oh," said Apollo. "I just wanted to let you know that Demeter's organizing a group dinner. Something about bonding together in the times of darkness. What were _you_ talking about?"

Artemis closed her eyes and willed herself not to murder her stupid twin brother. "It doesn't matter," she sighed. "Let's just go to this stupid dinner."

With that, she stood and swept out of her tent.

Apollo shook his head. His sister was acting awfully strange these days.

_I can get to the bottom of this_, he thought. Unconsciously, he changed his outfit to a long black coat, a purple button-down, a blue scarf, and a deerstalker.

"Apollo Holmes, on the case," he said. "Elementary, my dear Hephaestus. The game, Demeter, is on!"

Oh, he was definitely going to have fun with this.

Artemis was thinking she shouldn't have arrived early to the stupid pointless dinner. Her thoughts were verified when Aphrodite basically mugged her and dragged her into some random closet, squealing about dresses and makeup.

"Aph, no," moaned Artemis.

"Make yourself 16," snarled Aphrodite. "And do it now."

"Okay, okay, fine," said Artemis, changing her form. "Want to tell me why?"

"You are gonna be PRETTY. So DON'T TRY TO FIGHT because RESISTANCE IS FUTILE."

"Athena!" Artemis called desperately. "Save me!"

"I would if I could," said the blonde goddess, appearing next to them. "But she's kidnapped me too."

"Ugh," said Artemis as Aphrodite pretty-fied her. Resistance was indeed futile, Artemis discovered as makeup was basically caked onto her face.

"Don't move," hissed Aphrodite as she moved on to Athena.

Artemis knew better than to disobey Aphrodite when it came to makeup. That sort of mistake could be fatal.

Artemis decided to sit and stew in her own misery for the next 15 minutes, tuning out Aph's rambling and instead focusing on how unfair it was that she couldn't just go to this stupid annoying pointless dinner in something comfortable.

Her misery was only intensified as her hair was curled and she was shoved into a – _shudder_ – a dress. And not a nice, comfortable, fun dress. A _sparkly_ dress.

Okay, so maybe it was only sparkly on the bodice. And small victories – at least her skirt only came down to her knees. Athena was wearing a floor-length champagne red dress with a - whatever that tail part that drags on the floor is called.

This small victory was quickly squashed when Artemis raised a hand and realized Aphrodite had basically made her hair into a mountain of curls while Athena got to wear her blonde hair straight and loose. _Unfair_.

Aphrodite rounded on her.

"Stop complaining," she hissed.

"I wasn't -" protested Artemis.

"You were thinking," stated Aphrodite shortly. "It was distracting."

Artemis gave a long-suffering sigh and resigned herself to a night of torture at this stupid annoying pointless awful dinner.

Way across on the other side of Mount Olympus, Hermes was not faring much better. He had arrived in a hoodie and Converses, but Dionysus forced him into a tux when he almost had a heart attack at Hermes' outfit.

"This is the first time my asshole of a dad is letting me have wine in literally a million years! You are _not_ going to the biggest party of the millennium dressed like a subway rat!"

"I'm pretty sure it hasn't been a million years," Hermes said meekly, but his protests were ignored by the jubilant wine god. He looked to Hephaestus for help, but Apollo was talking to him. He caught snippets of the words "deduce," "Baker Street," and "cases" and decided not to get involved with whatever that was.

He changed his form back to 16, just to annoy Dionysus. Sure enough, next time the wine god glanced over; he glared at Hermes and shook his head. Hermes smiled innocently back.

Soon enough, it was time for dinner. A group of nymphs escorted them into the dining room, where Zeus, Poseidon, Hera, and Demeter were already seated.

Hermes casually sat as far away from Dionysus as he could. Unfortunately, this meant he was the last at the men's section of the table.

_Smooth, _said George. _Some lucky lady gets to sit right next to you._

_Oh, George… _said Martha exasperatedly.

"Where are the ladies, anyway?" Zeus said to Demeter. The older goddess just smiled and shrugged.

"Ah, they're on their way, actually," Apollo said. "I deduced it."

"Isn't that the point of being the god of prophecy?" Hermes couldn't resist saying. Apollo pouted at him.

Sure enough, mere seconds later, Aphrodite swept in, looking stunning in a fluffy purple ball gown, her now-red hair cascading down her back.

"She looks like Amy Pond times 10," whispered Apollo.

"Nobody cares about your stupid British TV shows, Apollo," hissed Poseidon back. "Just let it- oh wow -"

Poseidon trailed off as Athena entered blushing furiously. She looked amazingly sophisticated, totally unlike her normal frazzled, messy self. (Not that Hermes was stupid enough to call her frazzled and messy to her face.)

All of Hermes' thoughts, however, screeched to a halt when Artemis walked in wearing a knee-length emerald green dress with some light sparkling on the goddess. Her auburn hair was cascading in curls down her left shoulder, and she wore the lightest layer of makeup that made her hazel eyes glow.

The whole ensemble might have been even more stunning were it not for how miserable the poor girl looked.

Artemis' misery only intensified when she realized that she would have to sit next to – guess whom? Only Hermes, the most annoying god on Mount Olympus.

She noticed he was wearing a tux, which was unusual. He was normally a lot scruffier than that. Not that it looked bad on him. It certainly fit him well.

_Okay, stop now, _Artemis told her mind, which seemed to be going in all sorts of directions she didn't want it to.

She noticed Hermes was looking at her, so she stabbed his hand with a knife. Again, the perks of being immortal.

Hermes winced and glared at her.

A few minutes passed in relative peace, Artemis and Hermes determinedly eating their ambrosia and not looking at each other.

Artemis had finally begun to relax when she felt something move on her lap. She looked down and jumped violently when she realized there was a snake on her lap.

"Artemis?" said Athena. "You okay?"

"F-fine," said Artemis. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Hermes shaking with restrained laughter.

She casually released the snake onto the ground, when it slithered back to Hermes' caduceus.

_So it is to be war between us, _she thought, plotting revenge.

Artemis wasn't sure what possessed her when she stood, took her glass of wine, and poured it over Hermes' head. But she did.

Complete silence fell. Then all Hades broke loose – and he wasn't even there.

Hermes leapt up and somewhat maybe attacked Artemis. He made quite the comical sight, his copper curls flattened and dripping with wine. Artemis would have laughed, but Hermes was busy pulling out all her curls.

Apollo seemed to take this as a sign that he should join in. So, he jumped at Hera, screaming about Daleks. Hera didn't even hesitate in turning him into a peacock.

Dionysus, already drunk, grabbed Poseidon and started confessing his undying love for dolphins. Poseidon agreed enthusiastically, and the two of them started jabbering away in dolphin-speak.

Aphrodite started screaming at Hermes for ruining Artemis' hair. Athena was trying in vain to hold her back. Ares decided that it would be a good idea to start tussling with Hephaestus. This turned out to be a bad idea when Hephaestus pulled out a monkey wrench and beat him over the head with it.

"I swear to me," muttered Zeus, facepalming. "It's like you're all 5-year-olds."

The pandemonium started to come to a climax as Artemis pinned Hermes to the ground and started punching him. Aphrodite finally escaped from Athena's hold and also leapt on Hermes. The peacock that was Apollo strutted over and started violently pecking everybody.

"STOP IT! STOP IT _NOW!_"

The room fell silent as Demeter stood, flushed and furious.

"I can't believe you all," she hissed. "All I wanted was for us to get along, and now _this!" _ She pointed at Artemis. "And _you, _young lady. I expected better from you."

Artemis hurriedly tried to smooth herself off, her hair tangled and messy.

"Sorry – I don't know what -"

Demeter took a deep breath exhaled through her nose. "I know exactly what," she said. "Take this." And with that, she raised her hand and banished Artemis and Hermes to a cornfield in Iowa.

"That's better," she said, sitting and smoothing her skirt.

"Squawk," said Apollo the peacock.


	7. Chapter 7

**Hey hey hey, I'm back again! A bit of progression on the romance department in this chapter, unintentionally in celebration of Valentine's Day. **

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><p><em>"As he read, I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once." –John Green<em>

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><p>Hermes landed face-first in the dirt with a loud <em>thunk. <em> His goddess friend-not-crush Artemis followed – and landed right on top of him. George and Martha followed, creating two _plop_s as they landed right in front of him.

_I think I just broke my gonads,_ moaned George.

_I can't believe you'd be so immature, Hermes,_ scolded Martha.

"I should have never left camp," said Artemis, basically headdesking into Hermes' hair.

"Ow," squeaked Hermes. Artemis rolled off him and landed on her back to his right. Hermes also rolled onto his back, gasping for air and cursing about stupid cereal goddesses.

"George, Martha," said Hermes, reaching for his caduceus. "Where exactly are we?"

_A cornfield in Iowa, _said Martha, transforming into a GPS unit. _Closest person is about 3 miles from here. There are a few cows around here, though. _

"Well, that was about the most unhelpful thing in the world," snarked Hermes.

"What did they say?" said Artemis from her spot about 3 feet over.

"We're in a cornfield in Iowa," said Hermes. Artemis groaned.

_Also, Demeter has blocked off your transportation powers, so you'll have to manually get back to New York,_ said George.

Hermes covered his face with his hands. "I hate my life _so much._"

"What now?" said Artemis.

"Demeter's blocked our transportation abilities, so start saving up, because apparently we're taking a plane back to New York."

"You're such an idiot," groaned Artemis. "This is _your _fault."

_It really is, _stated Martha.

"Seriously, you two, _shut up,_" said Hermes.

"What did they say?" said Artemis.

"I'm not doing this," said Hermes. "George, Martha, you can talk to Artemis too."

_Artemis! _said George excitedly. _What up, my home dawg? Got any rats for me?_

_Don't listen to him,_ sighed Martha.

"Okay then," said Artemis. "Can you do cattle prod mode?"

_We would be delighted, _said Martha. So they did cattle prod mode. Artemis casually sat up, whacked Hermes across the face with it, and laid back down.

"Ow!" said Hermes defensively. "That _really _hurt."

"You deserved it," said Artemis glibly.

Hermes sat up, suddenly angry.

"You do know that you don't _always_ have to be awful to me," he said, his voice laced with sarcasm.

Artemis sat up quickly and stared at him. "Um, I'm pretty sure I do, though," she said with just as much sass.

"_No_," said Hermes, his anger mounting, standing up quickly and glaring at Artemis. "You are unnecessarily awful to me. You _bully _me, you _stab _me, you whack me with a _cattle prod-"_

"Don't be a baby!" said Artemis, standing up and facing Hermes. "You're being such a drama queen!"

"I'm sorry, I'm pretty sure attacks with cattle prods count as abuse," said Hermes, crossing his arms.

Artemis threw up her hands in frustration. "Oh my gods! You're the absolute _worst!" _

"No!" shouted Hermes. "I'm _allowed _to stand up for myself!"

"You're overreacting!" yelled Artemis back. "It's not a big deal!"

"I've had 3,000 years of this!" snapped Hermes. "I'm _sick _and _tired _of constantly bickering with you! I _try _to be nice! _You _just refuse to see that!"

"You're not _nice _to me," hissed Artemis. "You're obnoxious and needy and immature. Your jokes aren't even funny. And I _don't want your compliments!_"

Hermes ran his hands through his hair in frustration. "I don't see why you insist on being like this! I'm _trying _to be nice to you Am I not allowed to try and get on the good side of the girl I lo-"

He stopped abruptly, flushing deeply.

"…The girl you what?" said Artemis cautiously.

"Nothing," muttered Hermes. "Just forget it." He dipped his head, turning and walking into a separate clearing of the cornfield.

Artemis watched him go, mouth open, clutching the caduceus-turned-cattle prod tightly. She may not be an expert in the subject of romance, but she knew enough to know where that sentence was going. And it _scared _her.

She sank to the ground, resting her forehead in her palms.

"What am I to do?" she asked nobody in particular.

George and Martha were wise enough to not respond.

A hundred or so yards away, Hermes was asking himself the same question. How could he be so _stupid _as to almost let the L-word slip?

"I'm such a dumbass," he groaned. "I should be demoted to God of Dumbasses, I'm such a dumbass."

He groaned and buried his head in his hands, cursing Demeter once again. And Zeus for making Artemis immortal. And Dionysus for making him go to the stupid dumb party. And to Aphrodite for making Artemis so freaking _pretty_.

He stewed in his own misery for another 20 minutes until he heard a slight rustle from behind him. He didn't turn.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you," said Artemis from behind him.

"S'okay," said Hermes sullenly.

Uninvited, Artemis settled herself down beside him.

"Here's your caduceus," she said, handing it over.

"Thanks," said Hermes, taking it and changing it into a cell phone, slipping it into his pocket.

They sat in silence.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you too," said Hermes. Artemis smiled slightly.

She tilted her head back to look at the stars.

"I knew a bunch of them," she said. Her eyes reflected the starlight.

"I met Zoe a couple of times," said Hermes, looking at the Huntress's constellation. "She hated my guts."

"It's a Huntress tradition," said Artemis. "Hating your guts, I mean. You and Apollo both."

"Yeah, I can sense that," said Hermes, the corners of his mouth turning slightly upward.

"You remember when we met the Gemini twins?" said Artemis, leaning back on her palms.

"They were such jerks, weren't they," reminisced Hermes.

"They really were," said Artemis.

They sat in silence for another few minutes.

"I like the winter best," said Artemis unprompted. "Because Orion's in the sky."

Hermes stared at her for a second. Rule number one of Mount Olympus was never – _never – _mention Orion around Artemis. In all 3,000 years, Hermes had never heard her mention him once.

"I could have saved him, you know," she said. "From the scorpion. But I was too late." She ducked her head, but Hermes noticed her glistening eyes.

Hermes took a deep breath and steeled himself. "Did you… love him?" he asked.

Artemis's breath caught. "I don't know," she said truthfully. "I think I might've." She shook her head. "I know it's awful to think that," she said, blinking away the tears that were threatening to fall.

"It's okay," said Hermes. "To love someone, you know."

"Not for me, it's not," said Artemis, biting her lip. "It's unsafe. It just leads to-" Her voice broke and she let out a small sob, covering her face with her hand.

Hesitantly, Hermes placed his arm around her. She leaned in to him.

"Artemis," he whispered into her hair. "Love is _good_. It's the pain of love that lets you know you're alive. That you're not a robot. So I think – well, I think that's the best thing out there. I've seen so much out there in the world, but wouldn't you know, one of the most amazing, most stunning, most… incomprehensible things there is out there is normal old love for another person. So don't feel _bad_ about feeling love! It's what makes you – well, it makes you… human." The words felt strange leaving Hermes's mouth.

"You think so?" said Artemis, lifting her tearstained face.

"I do," said Hermes softly, looking into her eyes.

He lowered his head as she raised hers. Her mouth opened slightly as she leaned towards him.

They were mere inches apart now. Artemis's eyes fluttered closed. Hermes's heart started to beat a violent staccato against his chest. He closed his eyes.

And then she wasn't there anymore. Hermes opened his eyes in shock. Artemis had ducked away from his embrace and stepped to the edge of the small clearing in the corn.

"You should get some sleep," she said emotionlessly. "We'll find the nearest town tomorrow morning."

Hermes obeyed, trying to make a makeshift bed out of some old corn stalks. He closed his eyes and tried to ignore the painful tug in his chest. He soon fell into an uneasy sleep.

Artemis didn't sleep at all that night. Not that she wasn't comfortable with sleeping in a field – she had slept in places 20 times more uncomfortable with the Huntresses. Her mind was basically boiling over with thoughts and worries.

_You need your sleep,_ Artemis thought to herself. _You're going to have to act like a mortal for a while – best start acting like one. _

She sighed deeply and looked at Hermes's sleeping form. With the moonlight on his face, he looked less like the god she knew and more like a – well, more like a mortal.

_I'm going insane,_ thought Artemis, though with less malice than usual. She shivered as a cool breeze washed over her, realizing too late that she was still in her stupid sleeveless party dress.

She scooted herself over to lie on her side with her back to Hermes, just a foot or so away from him – a common technique used by Huntresses when camping in cold places – and determinedly closed her eyes.

She was just dosing off when Hermes shifted in his sleep, unconsciously wrapping an arm around her upper chest and pulling her closer to him.

Artemis's first instinct was to pull away. But she was very cold, and Hermes seemed to give off heat like a radiator. Her eyes drifted closed. She didn't pull away. She fell gently into sleep; feeling a bit like a boat was rocking her softly back and forth.

_I could learn to live with this_, Artemis thought as she fell asleep slowly, then all at once.


	8. Author's Note, Round Two

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

I keep getting reviews on this asking me when I'm going to update. Well, I'm telling you this now: I'M NOT. It's been almost 2 years since the last chapter and going on 4 years since I updated with anything close to regularity.

So, I am saying this once and for all to set the record straight — I AM DONE WITH THIS STORY. Nada. Nope. Abandoned. Done.

Hope this doesn't upset anyone too much. Honestly, if you were really hoping for more of this story, no offense, but you've got terrible taste.

You can find a bit of my other, more recent stuff over at /users/TapeMonkey21 — but really, don't expect much from that either. My fanfiction writing days have slowed to a trickle, if that, what with the college life and actually doing things and such.

Now I've given a whole lot of explanation for a very straightforward statement. I'll stop bothering you now. I will say, though — you readers have definitely been super awesome to me through these updates, as few and far between as they've been. Keep being your ridiculously enthusiastic selves and you'll go far! :)

Thanks again, everyone.

Tape Monkey


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